i will remember 29 sep 06. i am too kan chiong and worried as i could not get my work done especially for the japan customer.
maybe i did not plan well to get things done or slow in response. i felt that i am thinking too much of a scenario as i am analysing the risk and doing ad-hoc work that i cannot breathe. However, i have to thank my colleagues who have helped me.
i felt that i have practically no life. work, school, sleep and eat. sometimes engaged in gossiping and the look out for good-looking guys..lol..that i think i neglect my family. i mean my sisters. my youngest sis was diagnosed with ezcema that she must cut down on sports that make her perspire too much. i felt so bad that i am not able to revise the subjects with her for her end of year exam. Not only her, but my 2nd youngest sis who is in sec 3.
in some other ppl opinion, i m a good sis but i think otherwise.
i can't solve their bickering and quarrels. i m soft.
my other sis cannot control her spending. i cannot really monitor her as she has her own social life which is so different from me.
i have just showered and many thoughts ran through my mind.
i am sick and tired.
i dread the future though many thought that i am optismistic.
i think i am afraid of being single?! lol..
i dream of my ideal life: a career woman who balances well with family life. stable financial life. loving husband and children = loving family. travel around the world after years of listening from others and reading about it. close friends. everyone in good health.
i hate financial instability - depressed, restless, dying
i think i am picky about friends that i make - if at that instant i have good impression and feeling about the other party, i hit off with them immedately.
i can be talkative if i want to -depend on situation.
i can be anti-social and keep to myself even if it's at work - i just don feel like talking to you no matter how close we are. (i guess so)
i have broke down - for no reason or subconsciously - and keep on crying for about an hour last year. what happened? this year seems good. is it true or it's going to accumulate?
my weakness: i show them easily (hello, for those who knows and read my blog, don't you feel that this entry showed most of my weaknesses??, haha.)i hate to think at times, i feel that i can't really face challenges in problems or it's in me that is yet to surface?
i get soft-hearted easily.
the list goes on and on.........
i started to feel that my course is not completed. But what to do, this is a private uni (long distance uni), of course you cannot compare to local uni where for example, you take engineering then you can choose your minor which is non-engineering.
am i losing out? actually i hate this feeling that i missed out on stuff hence i admit that i am kiasu. ahahh...who isn't? ok, independent learning..have to exactly know the reason behind why i am going to do this task or course. i think it's time for me to review about my goals in life esp after yesterday gal's talk though i am very quiet, listening to tong and jun's 'philosophy'...
what is life?
what is important?
do you really live life to the fullest?
do you really understand yourself?
do you....
what is...
though only 19, but i feel that it is time to start reflecting in this treacherous world.
human beings = complexity
now, i do feel very ignorant - i felt so esp when i went with my boss to entertain the Taiwanese guests.
i must go back and study history as i felt that history is so impt which affects today's culture and way if doing things.
i kept silent throughout the dinner as i cannot input any comments on the topic that they discussed!
lots of things to learn lehz...
i am drunk.
on a friday night with my lovely colleagues, i experienced drunkness. i drank 3 wine glasses of Jacon Creek and 1 jug of erm...i dunno how to name it! but at the 3rd wine glass, my head is slightly heavy and feel groggy...then head down to zouk for a while cos my colleaugue's cousin wanna get her card.
well..as i was not in the mood to really enjoy the mood at zouk as i was feelin tired and spinning, my head and body were literally in tune/shaking to the loud music beat. after that i took a cab home - i was still able to tell the driver where i stay, and manage to reply a few smses. but my head were kinda bobing up and down.
once i reached home, i just lay flat on the floor and do not feel like getting up as i felt heavy...then i felt nauseous and dashed to the toliet and vomit..oh my it was terrible and i think i did not have a proper dinner hence i got drunk very fast?? it was a bad saturday morning as i still felt my head spinning and my oesophagus was kinda 'stuck'.
but i still make my way to office and ya, late for lesson again. This new lecturer on business stats is kinda law by law. i did not like him initially...it's only towards the end of the lesson, we have to do presentation that i feel confident in getting 'A' for the exam! i was the speaker for my group and i was damn nervous and i think i put in some crappy eg though the other course mates were listening intently. of course, i did make them laugh with my stupid antics at the start! however, iy all went well..
then i met up with my ex classmate. she introduced me some products and in my opinion a money-making (something like MLM) but i don mind as i have heard of such MLM or direct selling. anyway, direct selling is kinda popular and has been in the scene for a long time, imagine those selling tupperware or stainless steel pot. ya, it's the same.
well, i shld take my time to consider whether i should take up this...i need time. maybe this is a good start on learning skills on sales, more product awareness related to health - HEALTH IS WEALTH! Ya, luckily i m interested in health issues and hope to gain more knowledge on health.
i finally unleash all my helplessness and stress through my tired eyes and soul. whenever you hear a story, please do not base ur conclusion on one side of the coin only, no matter how you feel close or positive to that party.
i struggled between my supplier and forwarder towards the end of a supposedly normal, peaceful day until i got a call of bad news - my shipment will be delayed. can you imagine how devastated i was although it was beyond my control that the custom officer just choose to randam check my container? this is especially when the supplier and i are on so-so terms only. i just focused on what is going to happen to the sales that i felt as if i did wrong to my boss!
there's more to follow up and go, right now, i just feel like i am like a secretary to the all my big bosses and manager. although everyone is assigned to a specialised job scope but there are some of the staff that are like me - bao shan bao hai. mayb i exaggerated but this is what i felt.
should i continue to study pt time and work as per normal - full time? my aunt felt that i have potential in this company but i wanna venture somewhere 1st and my thirst for knowledge and experience is my priority. no doubt that i have learned quite a lot in my 10 months of working experience, i still wanna review my options.
the main objective of being a full-time student next year is that i can do other things - learn new languages, take up new course (enrichment or leisure)...ahaha, when i think of the fees, i started to qn if i shld just study pt time all the way as examiners are more lenient on part time students. but the thot that i couldn't finish my tutorial at this initial stage has lead me back to my initial plan - dilemma. but if i work, i can finance my studies but - at the expense of???
gotta review, i need to make decision soon - next july is the end.
It's better to be ignorance and lead your life...i envy others too much...
Browsing through some of my friends' freindster and found that my ex-classmates were keeping in touch with some of their buddies/cliques...yes, i thought we had fun together during school days but apparently others do not think that way...friendship to me is important as my family where you find your pillar of support.
i dunno how friendship can maintain when we are at different phase of life..now, i am working. i have my fair share of colleagues and friends but the time i spent doesn't seem to justify.
i am seriously afraid that i will lose touch...with my good friends and my own assumption of good friends who think likewise. Of course, i know there are friends out there who still cares for me but i feel that i did not reprociate the action.
seriously speaking, i am jeolous. always jeolous of that sec classmates. i do not know why and don't ask me why.. that inner me cannot be at ease after like 3 years.
i saw my sec sch classmates gathering - they are the closer clique together and i thought, yes, my own assumption that we were good friends.
i was with my 1st three months classmates - but we can't seem to communicate. we were really close that time. it was gone - just like that.
my jc friends and i hardly meet up xcept for M3 and their guys - to me that is sufficient. Of course, also my dear friends xh,mz and some others.
in my part time course, i am a little gal to those elder sisters. we are still so called aquantainces though we were in a group. Once i decided to go full-time next year, i have to look for new friends or who knows i may not study full-time or halt my study plan due to financial diffiulties.
coming back to the knowledge of those gatherings, i felt that i neglect that social aspect in me or it's just fate that i couldn't?
friends....who are they?
not to mention friends, i can even get along with some of my ex-classmates.
i am totally feeling despaired down the road...am i afraid of loneliness? do i yearn for something sub-consciously?
Now, with more workload and doing more confidential stuff in work, my interaction with my clique is getting lesser and lesser. i will be in the room with another new colleague who may be much other. No longer in the open CR team where interaction is much vibrant. i lose my contact point...cos i don have much time...not for lunch and always get off work late latest at 9 pm.
like this evening, my colleagues always wait for me to finish my work b4 we set off to the next destination. They bother to ask me if i want to join them now..what about few months down the road?
i feel especially insecure and jeolous - i think it's PMS but this is also the time when true thoughts and feelings were revealed. they were hidden subconsciously.
someone once said - it's better to have one or a few good friends than many fair-weather friends or aquantaince. Yes, i agree but where can you find friends like that unless you play a part in being pro-active.
sigh
