TAKE A BREAK.

♥ Thursday, June 29, 2006 ♥

I am on my way to a different path of life just cos i could not get into local uni. I think i will continue to pursue studies in different areas meaning a bit of here and there. Marketing, negotiation, business english, chinese studies, literature, simple engineering??, communications. these will enhance my overall ability. What about physically? i wanna learn dancing, scuba diving but firstly, i must know how to swim properly, wakeboarding, dragon boat, volleyball, pool/billard. Do you know that i do not know how to play chess at all!

i m on one hand excited on how i am going to improve my knowledge and looking at the world differently, on the other, i feel kinda left out that i cannot exp how uni teachings are like...

this is my only regret...

whatever you want here

♥ Tuesday, June 27, 2006 ♥

"Everything is looking very good indeed. Take a leap of faith and you will never look back. Sudden changes will turn your life upside down in a positve way so don't be frightened by the changes heading straight for you."

I called NTU today cos i could not wait any longer for the appeal result as it may affect my other plans which i have to accept it unwillingly. The appeal failed for both NUS and NTU. Understandably, it's my sucky result that attribute to the fate that i am heading towards.

I mind how others see me - not being able to be a true-blue uno student just because i am going to a private institution for higher learning and have to pay more for the fees. No campus life, no proper 'teaching' , meaning attachments and other normal school offers. I hate myself for not re-taking 'A'. Anyway, there's no point in retaking it as i've no confidence in Maths. STUPID!

Well, i have to really take another optimistic view of how different i am from my other schoolmates/classmates. Erm..i don really know what i am doing now is a temporary console or just to hide from the reality.

I will be dumbfounded when others ask me in future :"so which uni are you attending now?" How should i answer? Uni of Bradford student?? MDIS student?? i know i should be condemning all these but it's unavoidable. I will be working pt time for the nxt 1 yr as my course is pt time for the 1st yr but come 2nd & 3rd yr, it's full-time. I may work cos i need to pay for the fees. I enrol in the working life earlier than others but i may lose out on other aspect that my classmates/schmates who r going to the Uni. I just hate the feeling of being inferior. YES, I HATE THIS FEELING.

Others will comfort me by saying that going to local uni is not everything, there are always other alternatives but the path is tough. I have to admit that. I wanna exp how tough can that get. My worse fear is that i learn nothing in this course which i have paid much $$$.

I wanna be better than those fresh grads. i want to be indispensable.erm.. that's too much hor..i..

whatever you want here

♥ Saturday, June 17, 2006 ♥

Broken family

fights,misunderstanding,lack of communication, cheating on spouse, not providing for family, favour sons than daughters, blame on ill upbrininging on each other, immature...these are what i have experienced on 16 june 06. on this day, tears and woes are poured out due to fear and helplessness...yes, me and my sisters were crying and pleading like mad children...my parents were using umbrella and chair to attack each other and all their resentments were exchanged and we, the children felt so at fault...is it because of us, the four daughters that brought all the financial woes to them? or they have no feelings for each other anymore...anyway, that's true. My sister blamed my father for not providing for the family and bring all the unnecessary burdens to us. She disliked him. In her opinion, the role of father is not what my dad is like now. I cannot say that my dad is not at fault, seriously speaking, he rarely provide for the family and i am hurt by his remark:" if not for you girls, would i be poor now? while you were young, i have to struggle to provide!" Also, he's not satisfied the way my sister handle her time. It seems to my dad that my sis idle her time away. And the other one, spent too much time on CCA and her MYE result is not justifiable.

mmm...i dunno..but i still empathise with my dad...i dunno what is the future is going to be like since we are so used without my dad around as he's been going to other country, yes both work and woman?

Hiaz....no point dwelling on it. just let nature take its course and if any decision is made, let it be. no point living in unhappiness though broken home is not a nice feeling. but fate is such and what can i do to salvage?

whatever you want here