This is 18 July 2010.
Half a year has passed.
Within this period, many things happened and i realised how time flies unknowingly.
What have i achieved?
A different job environment for three months and back to old company with added responsibilities. So, my life plan now is on a standstill. I want to go into the marketing route but I am not making plans to work towards this route. I am back to purchasing just because I have done it before. Actually, purchaser must have command better salary than marketing. well, i do not detest purchasing and treat it as a job and in fact a skill.
what's important now is the soft skill such as negotiation, EQ, relationship management, problem-solving, lateral thinking and many more which is unique to thyself. i am prepping myself up on all these skills which are transferable if i were to change career, job scope and maybe industry. At age 23, i should be more assured and aware of what i wanted but i have not achieved it.
what is my dream?
what is my plan?
how do i go about it?
what am i suppose to do?
where is my final destination?
what are my objectives and goals?
these are serious questions that i have been asking myself for the past years.
but i am one who thinks hell lots of stuff that i wanna do and in the midst i get lost in finding my intended direction. i wanna do this and do that. i can say that's a weakness. i need to be focus and go for it and not diversify till i am a master of none.
travel
photography
diving
korean
language
dance
fitness
knowledge
relationship
product design
professional diploma in advertising and design
brand management
negotiation
financial savvy
stocks and shares
administration
migration
tennis
rock climbing
hiking
product marketing
chinese literary
history
social
volunteerism
entrepreneur and innovation
poltical science
business
copy writing
visual arts
music
cooking
baking
and more to come.
these are the key thoughts and words that i have in mind in this blog entry.
now gg on to rshp.
i need to stop all the crap on how i go for dates and make my self happy and fulfilling such as taking up dance classes, going to the gym, improving on korean, learning to cook and bake, writing, reading on other genres, volunteering. i do not want to live in a mundane life and i am thinking of how to make more money for early retirement. job satisfaction and salary satisfaction seldom go hand in hand unless i step out to own my business.
business plan?
what's my calling?
i need to go for deep mediation to soul search on myself.
the world is a better place?
work.
resignation accepted. handover arrangement underway. it's as if, "is this your final decision?"
a colleague talked to me again.
i hope by den i see u .. u will happily tel me.. aida.. i get over him le..
no more contacts no more nonsense.. u jus wan to focus on building up ur career and family ties..
love will come wen its urs.. n wen its timei just love the above statement made by my friend. i am so blinded that i choose to evade from what i should have known. this is my weakness, i say.
is it hard to forget someone who u feel so strongly on?
yes, it is very hard. the saying goes 'time heals all wound', when will this time be? every single day, yes, working days and weekends alike, i am thinking of the same person. this feeling really sucks and i felt weak and useless for doing so.
is it because of the emptiness in my life that makes me feel this way? i am on a job hunt but not making any progress on that. in work, there is a lot of undone tasks and projects which are making me sick. especially with the changes and unknown future. i am contemplating to take up a course on communication and design but the upfront fee is pulling me back. worst, this is a promo offer which only limit to the jan intake.
talked to my sis about this and she said tt i am forever learning and not working to earn my money back in the investment on my degree course. she is right. once i have more savings through higher salary,i can further my studies on stuff tt i wanted to do. like now, it's PR, communication and design. will they sustain thereafter? this is because once i am settled into a new job which may or may not be the same job scope and industry,i have different ideals. hence, are new year resolutions meant to be kept or break?
i have heard many said tt one should have a dream and goal. work towards it and you will have a fulfilling life. hack, i dun even know what i want - eventually. why am i always so lost and indecisive? i need to be firm and focus on my much needed goal. i do not want to be a frog who stucks her head around, wanting the best of both world. there is no such thing as best of both world.
i stayed in the same company for 4 years for my education and the people here are really nice. the tradeoff will of course be the monetary terms because i took unpaid leave to study! what can u expect??
so, i really need to set on my goals and focus.
wish me luck and i shall update soon.
Look, once again, it has been months since i updated and i am suppose to blog in early nov on my graduation but i PROCRASINATEd. LOL
why on earth am i blogging at this hour?
haha...here it goes. and somewhat related to what i have done about 4 yrs ago...how time flies, yea?
i confessed.
was it on a positive note?
well, you can say yes or no depending on your perspective!
i have been bottling my thoughts and feelings for the past few months until i was nudged by a friend who accompanied me thru these months. lol. i was damn damn anxious when i hit the 'send' button.
the reply came and it was....how should i put it? trying to act blur or to lessen rejection?
of course, i hope my reply was well-thought out!
then i went on further to be blatant and wanted to be more than friends....
awww....when i replied that, i was thinking hard - am i doing it right? i do not want to sound desperate and give him any pressure.
lol...his reply came. conc on work, not ready for commitment.
seriously, when i see his reply, i was not very very sad as i have expected. all this while i have been thinking too much on my own accord. hence bringing about distraction in my life.
i wished him all the best and success, citing that i fully understand his situation (indeed, guys should chiong for their career and he barely have time to complete his work cos he's working real hard.imagine 24 hrs a day is not enough!!). so i ended off, "well, still friends ya?!"
COINCIDENCE.
i went for an information session today on Overseas Development Programme ODP (China).
opening up my options to work in the public sector. things may not be so bad after all. it is always a challenge to try and absorb new stuff. i was greatly attracted to this programme because there is an opportunity to work and engage with China which i have always been thinking of. on friday, my dad emailed me on a news article in which MM Lee highlighted the two challenges that singapore has to face and one of them is china related. yes, that is the info session that i attended today. surprised that my dad emailed me. anyway, some time back, he has encouraged me to work in china. the future is there.
this info session is kinda informative and to open up another dimension of my expectations by taking up this programme. concurrently at the back of my mind, there is another thought of how uncle thinks of this. this is because i am asked to think carefully of what i want to do after my graduation.i have been working for close to four years and what i have gained? this thought has been bothering me for the past years and i just let it pass, dilly dally.
now back what has happened this morning. during the talk, i have a lot of questions running through my mind such as my eligibility as i have a private degree, what's more i have yet to get my transcript till october and that how am i going to apply? luckily this is an ongoing recruitment and thus i think i can apply as i have my complete resume and degree. of course, it is always good to get things started earlier.
after the infomation session, i approached an officer and enquired about the application process. phew, her answers cleared most of my doubts and it seemed positive. i hate it when i showed subtle inconfidence on my qualifications. thereafter, i intend to leave but since there is free food, why not have it before i go since i hadn't had breakfast and that i am not rushing for time.
while i was at a corner eating, there came a lady. must be younger than me. we were eating silently. the inner me struggled to strike up a conversation with her. hack, i did it and asked if she is alone for the talk. i got the ball rolling. she was here because one of the speakers wanted her to listen to this talk. she will be reading her degree on economics at Peking university next month. wow, she's great. and yes, she's PSC. we talked a little more and i told her what i am currently doing. once again, i showed subtle inconfidence.
then my mobile rang, it was from one of the suppliers. after a min on the phone i can sense that she needs to go and thus i signaled to her that she can go if she is in a hurry as i cannot make her wait!
and there i finished my food and went to meet my friends for movie and dinner.
visited ion. it was ok. did not manage to finish the tour, will leave it for another session.
back home, i was reading TODAY. the headline 'Meet the six new 'sceptics'' attracted me. i carried on reading until i halted when i see the profile of the scholar who fitted the description of the scholar i had a brief encounter with this morning. it shocked me. it's her.
what small world~ woo...i spoked to her and i couldn't believe it.
suddenly, my mind was in a whirl. i dunno what i am suppose to think about.
confusion sets in.
this brings back to the meet up with xihui on thursday night. i told her my plans to start thinking what i really wanted to do, to take up new skills, courses, activities to do and many more. i feel that i have a long list of things i need to do such as taking up finance and accounts related courses, chinese studies, languages, driving, diving, going for self development seminars. i was happily listing to her until she stumped me with this remark - she said i am going to do so many things, is it because of my insecurities?
she hit on the bull eye. yes, what she said is kinda true. i am insecured. why?
the main reason i will say is that i am a private degree holder. how to compete with the fresh grads from NUS, NTU, SMU, not to say those scholars and elites?
so what if i have work experience? i always felt that what i have acquired and experienced is not transerable, irrelevant, not specialised, very admin. in this highly competitive environment, the paper chase, money chase or whatever chases there can be is stressful. i do not want to become mundane till my late 20s. i want to make my worth. it may not necessary be a high flyer but one that is fulfilling, things that i can excel in and benefit others while making my life comfortable. this simple and idealist thinking, many will think it's laughable. there must be a trade off.
this, i entangled myself into another trough. what do i really want? how should i go about it? i do not have a focus, plan, backup. i do not know how to weigh the risk and opportunities. maybe that is why i have not been able to break through in my current job as there is a unknown obstacle and force between me and my destination (my ultimate goal).
every family has its own set of problems. my family is not exceptional and i want to settle and plan for my parents' healthcare charges and bills through means of insurance, investements, savings. whatever it is, at least some protection so that it not be hard on anyone finances. my family background is not the well-to-do or above average type. i am thinking of how to increase my salary and one of it is to look for higher paying job and bite the bullets if the work sucks.
investments carry certain risks. i am not well verse, ok i should say i am not even knowledgeable about this area. trust the adviser? given the current climate, are they worth trusting? the papers, journals, reports? the writers themselves took references from the elites and analyst. what now?
i am so troubled. i want to make things as simple as possible, prepare for the worst while able to enjoy the process. however, my character, personality is....well, to tell you frankly, i do not know my strengths and weaknesses well.
i read an article in august issue of reader's digest and this gives me some optimistic thought at the moment - YOUR LIFE WILL BE WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.
i kept thinking what if one day i meet with a mishap and have many unfinished things i need to do. this is because i almost met with a car accident if i hadn't look out for the car while crossing the small road. this inner fear may be my greatest fear.
have not been blogging. irregular blogger as i only blog when thoughts and mood arise.
just completed exam for the last 2nd term. went bacl to work then went to suntec harris and bought a book. to ignite the resolution.
2 weeks of break from work to focus on exam and work is doom.
woke up terribly early on a sunday morning. suppose to act according to plan but has some changes. i have to give myself 3 months to make the change and handle the final year project or graduation project.
woke up. surf net. watch a korean movie called 100 days with Mr Arrogance. thought it's a lameshit movie but then towards the middle of the plot, i realised that i still have the regret - for not having the confidence to re-take A level exam. it is this lack of confidence and trust in myself that i have become so so hesitant. just like i was about to join an IFA and taken all the necessary exams. waste money? waste time? i am afraid to step out of comfort zone.
4 yrs have passed and i am gg to graduate from the current course but i am so distraught with my results as i am afraid i cannot achieve my goal....how?
i should have worked harder, smarter and religiously to get into local uni. is entry to a local uni everything? well, it may be so. but i think what is important is a knack for thinking, street smart. others will argue that getting a proper degree is the stepping stone. if that is the case, then isn't only the brightest get to get into the uni or just by luck?
i still love the feeling of being in the local uni experience and i missed the days being a full time student. i did not treasure the times i had in school or is it that i lost or couldn't remember the feeling/happenings in school?
i hate myself for this. what if i had re-take the A level? will i get entry into local uni? i have been lying to myself that i am ok, i am so gonna get ahead in life and blah blah blah...what is life? what is my purpose in life? what do i want in life? i have about at least 50 years ahead of me, how should i carry on?
i do not know myself well enough.what are my strengths, weakness, good at, suck at? what am i as a human? what am i as part of the family? incoherence thoughts. live for the day and let it pass without realising if i am making progression to my goals. ironic. what is my goal anyway?
i lost. i am lost.
